_{Is George Santos Actually the Ish Master?}

Can it really be that simple? Can three little letters transform a blatant lie into a statement that, if not precisely truthful, sounds like less of a lie? Is this a magic elixir? Is George Santos on to something here? Or Anthony Devolder? Or Kitara Ravache?

For those of you who just awakened from a coma, George Santos was recently elected to the U. S. House of Representatives for New York’s Third Congressional District. So were Anthony Devolder and Kitara Ravache, who are also George Santos.

George Santos is Jewish, except that he’s not. After being criticized for claiming to be Jewish even though he is a Brazilian-American Catholic, Santos poured those three little letters into his word blender like a magic incantation. He did not claim to be Jewish, he explained. No, he actually claimed to be Jew-ish. “I am Catholic,” Santos told the New York Post. “Because I learned my maternal family had a Jewish background, I said I was ‘Jew-ish’.”

So simple. Why didn’t I think of that?

Oh, how those three little letters could have dulled the sting of confession. “Bless me Father, for I have sin-ished,” I could have told the priest. “I had impure-ish thoughts. I was untruthful-ish. I took-ish the Lord’s name in vain.” Even if he sanctioned me to ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys, I could later claim that I performed my penance completely-ish. That’s not being bad. It’s only bad-ish.

Most of us have used the three little letters at times. It’s useful when we agree to a scheduled appointment without actually agreeing. “What time will I get there? Oh, eight-ish.” That kicks the door wide open. “Dude, it’s eleven o’clock! You said you’d be here at eight.” “I did not,” comes the reply. “I said I’d be here at eight-ish.” Ish has no definition and no limits. Is it eight-fifteen? Nine o’clock? Ten o’clock? Whatever. All of them are sufficiently ishy.

It’s kinda like when a Southerner uses the phrase “down the road a piece.” Years ago, when I was in Atlanta, I wanted to walk to a nearby grocery store and pick up a few things. (Okay, I admit it: I wanted to buy some beer.) I asked the Concierge for directions and he said there was a Publix market “down the road a piece.” Turned out be quite a piece-ish. It was actually three miles. A twelve pack gets damned heavy after three miles. At least I worked up a thirst.

But I digress. I was talking about George Santos. Actually, he’s George Santos-ish, because he’s also Anthony Devolder and Kitara Ravache.

The latter, Kitara Ravache, is a name Santos-ish used when he was a drag queen in Brazil — except he claims he was never a drag queen. True, he dressed up in drag and pranced around like a drag queen, but he said he was just having fun. He was merely drag queen-ish. That’s different, right?

George Santos also claims to be gay, which is not something people generally lie about. But he used to be married to a woman, so maybe he’s gay-ish. Consistent with his brand, he proposed to his teenage boyfriend while still married to her. The boyfriend, Pedro Vilarva, had the good sense to reject Santos’ proposal.

George Santos is also Anthony Devolder, a movie star-ish, as well as Kitara Ravache, the drag-ish queen. He’s openly gay but was married to a woman. He’s not bisexual; he’s tri-sexual. He’ll “tri” anything, He claimed to have attended schools he never attended, starred on a volley ball team he was never a part of, lied about having both knees replaced because of the wear-and-tear of his fantasy volleyball career, and claimed his mother was working at the World Trade Center at the time of the attack. (She was actually in Brazil.) He claimed his Jewish (Jew-ish?) ancestors were Holocaust victims and survivors. All of this is on the record, the spoken words of Congressman George Santos-ish.

Anthony Devolder is famous-ish. Variety reports that, according to his Wikipedia page, he appeared in “Hannah Montana.” The page (which has been taken down, sadly) also stated that he starred in the movie “The Invasion” with Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone. There actually was a movie by that name, but Anthony Devolder was not in it. Neither were Uma Thurman or Alicia Silverstone. Maybe Santos-Devolder saw the movie and imagined he’d been in it. He was just a movie star-ish, not the real thing.

Santos–Devolder–Ravache seems to argue that he never lied about doing things he never did; they were things he did-ish. He wants to escape responsibility for his fabrications through the magic power of ish. Could it be the Ish Master is actually onto something brilliant? Maybe he’s learned to bend the truth the way a prism bends light. Maybe he’s a genius.

Or maybe he’s just a lying piece of ish.

© 2023 by Mike Tully

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