The following is a transcript of a meeting that may take place between President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. While the world hopes the unpredictable and mercurial individuals will chart a new course toward peace, most regard the meeting as akin to a pair of gasoline-soaked men engaging in a wood-burning contest. For that reason, the United Nations made the parties agree to a single interpreter, loyal to the U.N. and not the two leaders, who can use his “creative” skills to temper the conversation and avoid a catastrophe.
TRUMP: It’s wonderful to finally meet the famous “Rocket Man” face-to-face. Can I call you “Rocket” for short? Short? Get it? Short? Ha ha ha ha ha.
INTERPRETER: President Trump is honored to meet you. He says you are much taller than he realized.
KIM: Good morning, Mr. President. You look like a beached whale with a blonde hairpiece decomposing in the sun.
INTERPRETER: Good morning, Mr. President. You are the picture of health. Clearly you have gotten some sun.
TRUMP: Yeah. I keep in shape playing golf at my luxurious resorts. You have nothing like them in your country. Nothing. That’s why I have a tan.
INTERPRETER: I like to exercise outdoors. That’s why I have a tan.
KIM: A tan? You don’t have a tan, you stinking pile of rotting cabbage. It’s makeup. You are the color of dung. It looks like it was applied by a drunken blind painter in an earthquake.
INTERPRETER: He says he was admiring your tan.
TRUMP: You should see my resorts. Unlike you, I don’t have to live in a windowless underground bunker because I’m surrounded by assassins.
INTERPRETER: The President says, I have been told that your people love you very much.
KIM: Yes, they do. I hear that your people love you as well – if you pay them enough. Ha ha.
INTERPRETER: You bring riches to your followers.
TRUMP: By the way, I serve the best food and drink at my resorts. Best wine. Best steaks. The best money can buy. And I share it with my friends and guests. What do you serve your guests: kimchi and gravel?
INTERPRETER: How do the North Korean people manage to stay so healthy?
KIM: We fatten up on hatred for you American dogs. It gives us energy and motivation to despise you.
INTERPRETER: We try to be like you Americans.
TRUMP: Like we would ever let you in. I’ll get you a green card and you can work at Mar-A-Lago. You’ll blend in with the kitchen staff like you were born there. We’ll break you in on pots and pans.
INTERPRETER: The President would love to have you visit his resort in Florida. He believes you would feel at home there.
KIM: Throw in the First Lady and it will feel a lot more like home.
INTERPRETER: He would love to meet the First Lady one of these days.
TRUMP: I wouldn’t let her get within a thousand miles of a creep like you.
INTERPRETER: She’d be honored to meet you.
KIM: On second thought, maybe one of those porn stars you like so much. They seem nice. Would any of your other ladies be at the resort?
INTERPRETER: He hopes to visit America some day and get to know your countrymen better.
TRUMP: We already have a guest house ready for you. It’s a resort, too. We call it Guantanamo.
INTERPRETER: We will attend to your every need.
KIM: This is easier than I thought.
INTERPRETER: He says thank you.
TRUMP: And what’s with the haircut? You look like Mo Howard crossed with a mushroom. Do you get to act like Mo? Do you get to stick your finger in your Vice-President’s eye? I’d love to do that. And the Attorney General. And that weasel Rosenstein. And Mueller. Hell, I might run out of fingers!
INTERPRETER: Excuse me, who is Mo Howard?
TRUMP: He was one of the Three Stooges. Their leader, basically. Great guy. Best role model outside of Roy Cohn.
KIM: Three Stooges? Did he say Three Stooges?
INTERPRETER: Uh, yes Sir. He did.
KIM: I love the Three Stooges!
INTERPRETER: He says he loves the Three Stooges.
TRUMP: Really? You’re kidding me. How does a guy running a nothing starving loser of a country know about the Three Stooges?
INTERPRETER: It is surprising that a leader of such a powerful, sophisticated country has heard of the Three Stooges.
KIM: Do you like the Three Stooges?
INTERPRETER: (Sheepishly, after a pause) Do you like the Three Stooges?
TRUMP: Are you kidding? I wanted to name my kids after them. That damned Ivana…
KIM: (Tries to poke Trump in the eyes with his fingers)
TRUMP: (Cleverly blocks Kim’s fingers with his right hand)
INTERPRETER: (Covers his eyes)
KIM: Mr. President, maybe you’re not such a pathetic evil jerk after all. Perhaps we should talk about the serious matters that brought us here.
INTERPRETER: (Composing himself) Mr. Kim says he likes you. He says perhaps it is time to talk about the serious matters that brought you here.
TRUMP: Yeah, good idea. So, you gonna get rid of your nukes, or what?
INTERPRETER: Are you going to eliminate your nuclear weapons?
KIM: Not in a million million eons.
INTERPRETER: Not at this time.
TRUMP: I didn’t think so. Oh well, gave it a hell of try, right?
INTERPRETER: I will keep negotiating.
KIM: There’s only one thing left to say.
INTERPRETER: There’s only one thing left to say.
TRUMP: What’s that?
INTERPRETER: What’s that?
KIM: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
TRUMP: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
© 2018 by Mike Tully