Found in Translation

The following is a transcript of a meeting that may take place between President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.  While the world hopes the unpredictable and mercurial individuals will chart a new course toward peace, most regard the meeting as akin to a pair of gasoline-soaked men engaging in a wood-burning contest.  For that reason, the United Nations made the parties agree to a single interpreter, loyal to the U.N. and not the two leaders, who can use his “creative” skills to temper the conversation and avoid a catastrophe.

TRUMP:  It’s wonderful to finally meet the famous “Rocket Man” face-to-face.  Can I call you “Rocket” for short?  Short?  Get it? Short?  Ha ha ha ha ha.

INTERPRETER:  President Trump is honored to meet you.  He says you are much taller than he realized.

KIM:  Good morning, Mr. President.  You look like a beached whale with a blonde hairpiece decomposing in the sun.

INTERPRETER:  Good morning, Mr. President.  You are the picture of health. Clearly you have gotten some sun.

TRUMP:  Yeah.  I keep in shape playing golf at my luxurious resorts.  You have nothing like them in your country.  Nothing.  That’s why I have a tan. 

INTERPRETER:  I like to exercise outdoors.  That’s why I have a tan.

KIM:  A tan?  You don’t have a tan, you stinking pile of rotting cabbage.  It’s makeup.  You are the color of dung.  It looks like it was applied by a drunken blind painter in an earthquake.

INTERPRETER:  He says he was admiring your tan.

TRUMP:  You should see my resorts.  Unlike you, I don’t have to live in a windowless underground bunker because I’m surrounded by assassins.

INTERPRETER:  The President says, I have been told that your people love you very much.

KIM:  Yes, they do.  I hear that your people love you as well – if you pay them enough.  Ha ha.

INTERPRETER:  You bring riches to your followers.

TRUMP:  By the way, I serve the best food and drink at my resorts.  Best wine.  Best steaks.  The best money can buy.  And I share it with my friends and guests.  What do you serve your guests:  kimchi and gravel?

INTERPRETER:  How do the North Korean people manage to stay so healthy?

KIM:  We fatten up on hatred for you American dogs.  It gives us energy and motivation to despise you.

INTERPRETER:  We try to be like you Americans.

TRUMP:  Like we would ever let you in.  I’ll get you a green card and you can work at Mar-A-Lago.  You’ll blend in with the kitchen staff like you were born there.  We’ll break you in on pots and pans.

INTERPRETER:  The President would love to have you visit his resort in Florida.  He believes you would feel at home there.

KIM:  Throw in the First Lady and it will feel a lot more like home.

INTERPRETER:  He would love to meet the First Lady one of these days.

TRUMP:  I wouldn’t let her get within a thousand miles of a creep like you.

INTERPRETER:  She’d be honored to meet you.

KIM:  On second thought, maybe one of those porn stars you like so much.  They seem nice.  Would any of your other ladies be at the resort?

INTERPRETER:  He hopes to visit America some day and get to know your countrymen better.

TRUMP:  We already have a guest house ready for you.  It’s a resort, too.  We call it Guantanamo.

INTERPRETER:  We will attend to your every need.

KIM:  This is easier than I thought.

INTERPRETER:  He says thank you.

TRUMP:  And what’s with the haircut?  You look like Mo Howard crossed with a mushroom.  Do you get to act like Mo?  Do you get to stick your finger in your Vice-President’s eye?  I’d love to do that.  And the Attorney General.  And that weasel Rosenstein.  And Mueller.  Hell, I might run out of fingers!

INTERPRETER:  Excuse me, who is Mo Howard?

TRUMP:  He was one of the Three Stooges.  Their leader, basically.  Great guy.  Best role model outside of Roy Cohn.

KIM:  Three Stooges?  Did he say Three Stooges?

INTERPRETER:  Uh, yes Sir.  He did.

KIM:  I love the Three Stooges!

INTERPRETER:  He says he loves the Three Stooges.

TRUMP:  Really?  You’re kidding me.  How does a guy running a nothing starving loser of a country know about the Three Stooges?

INTERPRETER:  It is surprising that a leader of such a powerful, sophisticated country has heard of the Three Stooges.

KIM:  Do you like the Three Stooges?

INTERPRETER: (Sheepishly, after a pause) Do you like the Three Stooges?

TRUMP:  Are you kidding?  I wanted to name my kids after them.  That damned Ivana…


KIM: (Tries to poke Trump in the eyes with his fingers)

TRUMP: (Cleverly blocks Kim’s fingers with his right hand)

INTERPRETER: (Covers his eyes)

KIM:  Mr. President, maybe you’re not such a pathetic evil jerk after all.  Perhaps we should talk about the serious matters that brought us here.

INTERPRETER: (Composing himself) Mr. Kim says he likes you.  He says perhaps it is time to talk about the serious matters that brought you here.

TRUMP:  Yeah, good idea.  So, you gonna get rid of your nukes, or what?

INTERPRETER:  Are you going to eliminate your nuclear weapons?

KIM:  Not in a million million eons.

INTERPRETER:  Not at this time.

TRUMP:  I didn’t think so.  Oh well, gave it a hell of try, right?

INTERPRETER:  I will keep negotiating.

KIM:   There’s only one thing left to say.

INTERPRETER:  There’s only one thing left to say.

TRUMP:  What’s that?

INTERPRETER:  What’s that?

KIM:  Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

TRUMP:  Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

© 2018 by Mike Tully


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