Fee Fie Foe Fump
I
smell the blood of an English Trump
It used to be said that the sun never sets on the British Empire because the wide-ranging empire once occupied territory in every time zone on the planet. In 2019, the British Empire occupies one zone only: The Twilight Zone: “It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears, and the summit of his knowledge.” Rod Serling wrote about nuclear war, gremlins on airplanes, and murderous dolls, but never conjured up anything as scary as Brexit. Fear and superstition walk among us and vote in our elections.
How could the United Kingdom come to this? They gave the world the Magna Carta, Shakespeare, and Harry Potter. They conquered the seas. They limited their monarchs with a bill of rights in the 17th century. They abolished slavery decades before the United States did and created the modern law of zoning. They led the Industrial Revolution. In their darkest hour they survived and defeated Nazi aggression. They gave us the Beatles. Monty Python. They also gave the world “Mr. Bean,” which was a harmless and amusing diversion – until they made Mr. Bean Prime Minister. (Cue the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme song.)
Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Boris
(Though a fellow MP member said his name is really Doris)
And then one day a decision that will shame us
He
stumbled on a path that was bound to make him famous:
Brexit that is, nationalism, racism
Well the first thing you know ol’ Boris is PM
The kinfolk said, you were never one of them
They pushed him to the front, saying “you know what to do”
Whatever
it will cost us, get us out of the EU!
Brexit that is, isolation, disruption
Well now it’s time to say good bye to Boris and the rest
He thinks he is a savior but he really is a pest
You’re all invited back to see what’s up on Halloween
To
find out what this Brexit mess is really going to mean
Violence, that is, Irish chaos, food shortages.
Boris Johnson was a minor political figure who stumbled into prominence as a guest on British talk shows. “His bumbling demeanour and occasionally irreverent remarks made him a perennial favourite on British talk shows,” wrote the Encyclopedia Britannica in an online bio, noting “he continued to appear frequently on British television programs and became one of the country’s most-recognized politicians.” He would have been relegated to history’s footnotes had history shown the U.K. and world a modicum of mercy. Instead, history drove outside the lane with the elevation of Donald Trump in the United States and the rise of nationalism in both countries. Trump, who also rode to prominence as a television personality and was prone to outrageous statements, was a kindred spirit to Johnson. The fact that both men resemble giant troll dolls adds a theatrical overlay.
As does the wonderful coincidence that the United Kingdom is scheduled to leave the European Union on Halloween. As I write this, there is no plan for the exit, no potential trade agreements, nothing on immigration and foreign travel, nothing on the implications for the Irish border. It’s logical to spend as much time and energy as possible to generate an exit deal that hopefully avoids the worst consequences of the U.K. crashing out of the European Union in a “hard Brexit,” with no legal or regulatory scheme to address the consequences of the departure. But logic has no seat at the table. Johnson has decided to suspend Parliament for all but a few days before the Brexit deadline. Come October 31st British officials will find themselves at Europe’s doorstep, holding a large paper bag and pleading, “trick or treat!” “How cute!” the EU will say, while dropping nuggets of coal into the bag. “Have a nice winter.”
Boris Johnson won’t be on Europe’s porch. He will instead be in Washington, brandishing his paper bag for Donald Trump, who promised Johnson a “very big trade deal, bigger than we’ve ever had” while repeating his endorsement of the Brexit policy. Johnson’s primary political opponent, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn, is not impressed, calling it “a ‘Trump-deal Brexit’” that might be good for the United States but a disaster for Britain. Corbyn has a point: Trump’s promises are the world’s most worthless currency.
America’s favorite Halloween story might be Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” with its terrifying Headless Horseman. Two centuries after Irving published his tale, Americans and Brits are terrified by the Heedless Horseshit of their political leaders, who govern as if their heads were not securely fastened. Their fates – and ours – are tethered to this year’s Halloween observance like Prometheus to a rock.
It’s a twist of historical and literary magnificence that Brexit falls on Halloween and that its two most prominent advocates seem born to play their roles. Tommy Chong invoked Halloween during an interview with AV Club in 2008. While he was referring to the Bush administration, his words are just as relevant in the age of The Donald and BOJO:
“(I)f you saw them on Halloween, they wouldn’t need a costume,” he said. “You’d give them a treat and compliment them on what great-looking demons they were.” “They are demons,” he added. “There’s no doubt about it.”
Trick or treat.
© 2019 by Mike Tully
May the Best Psychopath Win
Do you remember the “Rumble in the Jungle?” Most of my generation does. It took place 45 years ago next month in what was then known as Zaire, currently the Democratic Republic of Congo. Muhammad Ali, a huge underdog at age 32 and mounting a desperate comeback, upset the reigning world heavyweight champion, George Foreman. (To younger readers, yes, it’s the grill guy.) A year later, Ali defended his crown in a brutal contest with Joe Frazier known as the “Thrilla in Manila,” Ali won the fight with a 14th round TKO, the second time he defeated Frazier in three fights.
There have been many epoch duels throughout American history, many of them in athletics. Possibly the most dramatic upset in boxing also featured a heavyweight match, the dangerous Mike Tyson against 42-to-1 longshot Buster Douglas. Another famous duel foreshadowed history’s greatest calamity. In a 1938 match in old Yankee Stadium, Joe Louis knocked out German Max Schmeling in the 12th round. Four years later their countries were at war. Not all great athletic duels involved boxing. When Jesse Owens captured four gold medals in the 1936 Olympic Games, he humiliated Adolph Hitler. More recently, who can forget Larry Bird versus Magic Johnson in the national championship and the NBA? Many of us recall the epic hardwood duels between Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell.
Some duels occur in tennis, such as the seemingly endless match between Boris Becker and John McEnroe in 1987. There was an even more famous contest between Billy Jean King and Bobby Fischer in 1973. That match was nothing more than a made-for-television event, yet it helped advance the cause of gender equality. It was recently made into a movie starring Emma Stone and Steve Carrell. The history of American duels, of course, is not confined to sporting events and television spectacles. The most famous – or infamous – is the 1804 duel in which Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton.
As I write this, the news media and cable talkocracy are buzzing over the most recent uniquely American duel. I’m speaking, of course, of the atomic slap-fight between Donald Trump and John Bolton. This was not simply another routine Trump Administration “you’re fired!” moment. It was a competition between two powerful and influential psychopaths whose visions of foreign policy suggest a need for medication on both of their parts. Fortunately, the more acceptable psychopath apparently prevailed. The President, whose addled view of the world could lead him to stumble into an inadvertent war, dispatched the National Security Advisor who encouraged him to charge into one.
Make no mistake about this: it’s in the national interest to get John Bolton as far away from government as possible, most assuredly any position that allows him to influence foreign policy. The best use of Bolton’s time would be for him to become addicted to video games and squander his waking hours gleefully blowing up imaginary enemies while licking the stalactites of his baleen mustache. He could annihilate digital virtual Irans and North Koreas to his black little heart’s content. Instead of countless human casualties, the only victim would be a pulverized computer mouse.
But Bolton’s demise is not a reason to party because the man who sent him away, Donald Trump, is no less crazy. While Bolton exists in a Hobbesian world of hostile forces and foreign dangers and his policy go-to is military action, Trump lives in a fairy land in which the Great Wise Emperor can resolve ancient conflicts with the force of his incandescent personality and masterful ability to make a deal. Bolton sees North Korean rocket tests as military provocation that should be addressed with a military attack. Trump is blinded by “love letters” from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. While Bolton wanted to bomb the rocket launchers, Trump wants to cuddle the dictator. Trump waved away the rocket tests as meaningless while Bolton angrily chewed on his mustache.
Bolton regards Vladimir Putin as a dangerous adversary who should be constrained with force, including sanctions, weapons placement, and military action when needed, while Trump has an obvious, and discomfiting, man-crush on the homicidal kleptocrat. Bolton has argued for years that the U.S. should strike Iran militarily. Trump said he wants to make a deal. The final straw apparently was Trump’s decision to invite the Taliban to Camp David as the nation was preparing to commemorate the anniversary of the Taliban-assisted 9/11 terrorist attacks, a decision so stupid that even Trump supporters denounced it. Conservative columnist Marc A. Thiessen, writing in the Washington Post, referred to the invitation as “one of the most shameful moments of the Trump presidency.” Bolton saw it the same way and, apparently, made the mistake of saying so. Disagreeing with Czar Trump is what passes for treason in the sycophants’ symphony of his presidency. When all bow down, those who stand become targets.
Bolton has bolted and Trump abides. The combative psychopath lost to the pathologically narcissistic one. Bolton believed the world will bow under the weight of American military power. The President believes the world will bow to his immense powers of persuasion. The great Trump-Bolton duel of 2019 was a battle of delusions. It appears – let us hope – that the less dangerous delusion prevailed.
The stakes will be high for the next great American duel, the 2020 presidential election. Delusion will be on the ballot, seeking re-election. Let that sink in.
© 2019 by Mike Tully
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