Senator Ted Cruz (R-Cancun) has penis envy – for Elizabeth Warren. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence, but consider the Senator’s comments during a recent appearance in Nevada. “Elizabeth Warren told reporters that a guy came up to her and said, ‘I would have voted for you if only you had a penis,’” he commented, then added: “In today’s Democrat Party, how do we know she doesn’t?”
In today’s Republican Party, how do we know he does? But I digress.
“How could you possibly know?” he continued. ‘My name is Elizabeth. Call me Bob.’” Or you can call me Al. Or Sal. Or maybe Ted’s a gal. Perhaps he needs a pal. A pal named Bob who is really a gal. Or maybe not a human at all.
A mere four months ago the Senator admitted fantasizing about cartoon characters having sex. His erotic animation dream was triggered by the Disney Corporation’s opposition to Florida’s so-called “Don’t Say Gay!” bill, which incorporates censorship of information about sexual orientation and identity into an otherwise unremarkable parents’ rights bill.
“I think there are people who are misguided, trying to drive, you know, Disney stepping in saying, you know, in every episode, now they’re going to have, you know, you know, Mickey and Pluto going at it like, really?!” Cruz told his podcast audience. “Thank you for that image, Senator,” replied his podcast guest, undoubtedly checking his watch and edging toward the studio door.
Do the math: in the last four months, the Calgary native and junior senator from Texas has fantasized about Mickey Mouse copulating with Pluto (presumably dog-fashion) and Elizabeth Warren having a penis. And that’s only the part he said out loud.
Ted Cruz has issues.
But he’s not the only prominent Republican politician with a disturbing fascination with penises. Take the Arizona Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake (please). She displayed her fascination with male genitalia during a recent appearance with Florida’s Republican Governor, Ron DeSantis.
“The guy has bigger … Wait, let me think about how I want to word this,” Lake told the audience. “My staff always says, ‘Whatever you do, do not say balls.’ So, I’m not going to say it. That guy has a backbone made of steel.”
She didn’t say what she thinks his balls are made of. Brass? Cotton?
“I’ll tell you what he’s got,” she added. “I don’t know if you’d heard of this. He’s got ‘BDE.’ Anybody know what that means? Ask your kids about it later.” In case you don’t know – and bless you if you don’t – “BDE” stands for “Big Dick Energy.”
Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall when all those MAGA-loving Lake supporters ask their kids what “BDE” stands for? Family values, folks.
“I call it ‘Big DeSantis Energy.’ Right?” said Lake, pretending to be clever. “He’s got the same kind of BDE that President Trump has. And, frankly, he’s got the same kind of BDE that we want all of our elected leaders to have.” Including Elizabeth Warren?
Since Kari Lake wants to be an elected leader, she apparently aspires to “BDE” herself. Presumably, she doesn’t have a penis, although, to quote Ted Cruz, how do we know she doesn’t? How could she acquire BDE? The easy answer: she needs to borrow a penis. But, from whom? Fortunately for Lake, given the state of today’s Republican male leadership, that’s an easy problem to solve.
If Kari Lake needs to borrow a penis, she only has to travel to Bakersfield. That’s where Kevin McCarthy lives. She can borrow his; he hasn’t used it in years. But she can’t have his balls. They’re still at Mar-a-Lago.
In an already peculiar political environment, the GOP’s fascination with male genitalia is the oddest turn yet. Who knew the elephant’s trunk was a metaphor?
We have serious issues to confront in 2022. Climate change is the most critical. Here in the west, we are dealing with the worst drought in 1200 years, as well as record heat waves and wildfires. The Covid-19 pandemic still warrants attention and inflation is eating a hole in the pockets of many American families. Vladimir Putin has launched the most serious ground invasion since World War Two and Xi is recklessly rattling China’s swords. To quote Crash Davis, “We’re dealing with a lot of shit.”
Democrats believe they can retain control of Congress by emphasizing accomplishments, such as legislation addressing veterans’ health, infrastructure, semi-conductor manufacturing, drug prices and climate change; and foreign policy, including strengthening NATO and arming Ukraine. They’re telling voters, “Vote for us; we get things done.” Republicans, on the other hand, have a far simpler message:
“Vote for us; we’re bigger dicks.”
Is that a sensible campaign strategy? I dunno. Ask your kids about it later.
© 2022 by Mike Tully
<<< YOU CAN READ / DOWNLOAD A PDF VERSION BY CLICKING HERE >>>
Be First to Comment